90 Miles From Tyranny

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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Cheers - Buffalo Theory


The Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin: No one can explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

The Cure For Hoplophobia...


The Birth Of Egocentrism


Badass of the Week.

Rukhsana Kauser

Abu Osama was a bad guy. For the last five years, this assault-rifle toting terrorist dick-monkey had tormented the Indian countryside, tearing shit up, blowing the hell out of innocent bystanders, and generally just epically wrecking the lives of anyone that thought they wanted a piece of 7.62 millimeter lead punched through their torsos at high velocity from the barrel of a Kalashnikov assault rifle. As if it wasn't bad enough that this irrationally-angry punk-ass bitch popped caps in people's stupid faces just for looking at him cross-eyed (and I heard he never washed his hands after using the restroom), this freedom-hating guerrilla jerkburger was also a commander in a particularly bastardly organization of anti-everything douche canoes known as Lashkar-e-Taiba - a notorious criminal organization that has claimed responsibility for everything from the horrific terrorist attacks in Mumbai to the 1993 World Trade Center bombings in New York City. Think of these guys as Al-Qaeda's AAA minor league affiliates, and Abu Osama was like the cleanup hitter on their all-time asshat squad. He was on many countries' Most Wanted Dillholes lists, and had a bounty on his carcass of about $6,000.

Well, on Monday, September 28th, 2009, Abu was wandering around the Jammu region of India, an ultra-rural province near the chaotic Kashmir region, just looking to have some fun by creating a bunch of murder-carnage for no reason other than to satisfy his raging death-boner. He knew about a cute girl that lived in this particular village he happened to be gracing with his sinister presence, so he decided to pay her a visit and ingratiate himself to her relatives by beating the holy living crapballs out of them with a large stick and dragging her off by her hair Neanderthal-style.

So, he got together five of his closest terrorist buddies, charged a clip into his AK-47, and went over to the humble farmhouse where 18 year-old Rukhsana Kauser lived. Abu politely knocked on her door, and greeted her loving father when he came out to see what was going on by jamming a gun barrel in his face:



WHAT UP I'VE COME TO BONE YOUR DAUGHTER


As you can probably imagine, Mr. Kauser wasn't all that thrilled about the idea of his daughter being carried off to serve as a harem girl in some kind of jacked-up terrorist swinger's club, so it's pretty understandable that he told this bitchtard to go hump a football. Unfortunately, this was just the answer Osama was looking for. He and his cronies immediately started pummeling the barf out of Mr. Kauser and his wife, because apparently when you're a big, tough, ass-wrecking terrorist commander the best way to prove how hardcore you are is by putting a posse of goons together, arming yourself to the teeth, and beating the shit out of a couple of defenseless farmers twice your age.

Well, 18 year-old Rukhsana Kauser wasn't far away – she and her 19 year-old brother had been hiding under the bed in her room, and they were now receiving a front-row seat to the severe beating of their parents at the hands of Rukhsana's soon-to-be terrorist rapist and five of his best friends. Needless to say, this didn't sit well. However, while staring across the room at six masked men carrying fully-automatic assault rifles would have left most people paralyzed by some combination of fear and/or pants-wetting hopelessness, Rukhsana Kauser felt no such compunction. She did what any real badass would have done in this situation – she got super fucking mecha pissed.



" I couldn’t bear my father’s humiliation...
I thought I should try the bold act of encountering militants before dying."

Rukhsana and her brother reached over and grabbed the first thing they could find – which just so happened to be a matching set of giant-ass hatchets – climbed out from under the bed, and charged forward in an effort to find out how these terrorist sons-of-a-bitches liked it when someone sucker-punched them in the throat with a heavy object when they weren't looking.

Dramatization.

Ruksana Kauser charged out, grabbed the notorious terrorist Abu Osama by his head, and in one badass judo MMA move slammed the back of his skull up against the wall of her living room with enough force to crack a cue ball. Then, as he was backed up against the wall, she smashed him with the axe (just for good measure). As he slowly started to slump down, badly jacked up by this brutally insane balls-out sneak-attack, Rukhsana reached down, grabbed his AK-47 assault rifle, and forcefully wrenched it out of his hands in one motion. Clutching the captured weapon in both hands, she cracked him in the face with the stock of the rifle, flipped it around, and unleashed a burst of automatic weapons fire that pumped twelve rounds into the criminal mastermind's head and torso at point-blank range, killing him instantly in a thick spray of crimson.

NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN
HO – HO – HO

(image courtesy of olegvolk.net)

Now these guys were fucked. They'd been caught off-guard, blindsided by a blur of whirling steel and awesomeness, and now found themselves being stared down by a really pissed-off teenage girl with an assault rifle. Rukhsana did her best Rambo impression and went off like Princess Vespa ouside the penal colony on the Planet Spaceball, spraying hot lead at anything moving in front of her and blasting the fail out of those jacknut terrorist dickfaces who foolishly thought they could come into her small farming village and treat her family like a particularly brutal round of whack-a-mole. In the few seconds that followed, she wounded two more terrorists, and sent the rest running outside the house looking for cover.

The terrorists tried to return fire, but Rukhsana wasn't having any of it. She and her brother (who had picked up a rifle that one of the militants dropped while bravely fleeing for his life) exchanged gunfire with these assfaces for a while before the masked bullies finally decided they'd crossed the wrong chick and beat a hasty retreat out of there as quickly as possible.

" I had never touched a rifle before this, let alone fired one -
but I had seen heroes firing in films and I tried the same way. Somehow I gathered courage."

Rukhsana Kauser is fucking awesome. This chick stood up to defend her family from some of the most notorious criminals in Northern India, and the result was akin to having the first Die Hard movie localized entirely within the confines of her living room. When the smoke cleared and the empty shell casings were swept away, she and her brother had fought off six terrorist by themselves, killing one and wounding a couple more. Abu Osama, one of the most dangerous criminals in the world, was lying dead at her feet. In addition to saving every member of her family, including herself, from certain death, she also managed to rid the universe of the closest thing to COBRA Commander that the international terrorist organization Lashkar-e-Taiba had to offer. She has since been relocated to a witness protection program, nominated for the highest award for civilian bravery offered by the Indian government, and awarded the $6,000 bounty that had been placed on the head of the fallen terrorist leader.

Rukhsana Kauser, shown here carrying the captured weapon.

H/T www.badassoftheweek.com/kauser.html/

People Are Strange


People are strange (Rémi Gaillard) by nqtv

Map Of The World From 1689


Women With Weapons


11 Brain-Twisting Paradoxes

Paradoxes have been around since the time of Ancient Greeks & the credit of popularizing them goes to recent logicians. Using logic you can usually find a fatal flaw in the paradox which shows why the seemingly impossible is either possible or the entire paradox is built on flawed thinking. Can you all work out the problems in each of the 11 paradoxes shown here? If you do, post your solutions or the fallacies in the comments.
11
The Omnipotence Paradox
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The paradox states that if the being can perform such actions, then it can limit its own ability to perform actions and hence it cannot perform all actions, yet, on the other hand, if it cannot limit its own actions, then that is—straight off—something it cannot do. This seems to imply that an omnipotent being’s ability to limit itself necessarily means that it will, indeed, limit itself. This paradox is often formulated in terms of the God of the Abrahamic religions, though this is not a requirement. One version of the omnipotence paradox is the so-called paradox of the stone: “Could an omnipotent being create a stone so heavy that even that being could not lift it?” If so, then it seems that the being could cease to be omnipotent; if not, it seems that the being was not omnipotent to begin with. An answer to the paradox is that having a weakness, such as a stone he cannot lift, does not fall under omnipotence, since the definition of omnipotence implies having no weaknesses.
10
The Sorites’ Paradox
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The paradox goes as follows: consider a heap of sand from which grains are individually removed. One might construct the argument, using premises, as follows:
1,000,000 grains of sand is a heap of sand. (Premise 1)
A heap of sand minus one grain is still a heap. (Premise 2)
Repeated applications of Premise 2 (each time starting with one less grain), eventually forces one to accept the conclusion that a heap may be composed of just one grain of sand.
On the face of it, there are some ways to avoid this conclusion. One may object to the first premise by denying 1,000,000 grains of sand makes a heap. But 1,000,000 is just an arbitrarily large number, and the argument will go through with any such number. So the response must deny outright that there are such things as heaps. Peter Unger defends this solution. Alternatively, one may object to the second premise by stating that it is not true for all collections of grains that removing one grain from it still makes a heap. Or one may accept the conclusion by insisting that a heap of sand can be composed of just one grain.
9
The Interesting number paradox
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Claim: There is no such thing as an uninteresting natural number.
Proof by Contradiction: Assume that you have a non-empty set of natural numbers that are not interesting. Due to the well-ordered property of the natural numbers, there must be some smallest number in the set of not interesting numbers. Being the smallest number of a set one might consider not interesting makes that number interesting. Since the numbers in this set were defined as not interesting, we have reached a contradiction because this smallest number cannot be both interesting and uninteresting. Therefore the set of uninteresting numbers must be empty, proving there is no such thing as an uninteresting number.
8
The arrow paradox
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In the arrow paradox, Zeno states that for motion to be occurring, an object must change the position which it occupies. He gives an example of an arrow in flight. He states that in any one instant of time, for the arrow to be moving it must either move to where it is, or it must move to where it is not. It cannot move to where it is not, because this is a single instant, and it cannot move to where it is because it is already there. In other words, in any instant of time there is no motion occurring, because an instant is a snapshot. Therefore, if it cannot move in a single instant it cannot move in any instant, making any motion impossible. This paradox is also known as the fletcher’s paradox—a fletcher being a maker of arrows.
Whereas the first two paradoxes presented divide space, this paradox starts by dividing time – and not into segments, but into points.
7
Achilles & the tortoise paradox
Achilles Tortoise
In the paradox of Achilles and the Tortoise, Achilles is in a footrace with the tortoise. Achilles allows the tortoise a head start of 100 feet. If we suppose that each racer starts running at some constant speed (one very fast and one very slow), then after some finite time, Achilles will have run 100 feet, bringing him to the tortoise’s starting point. During this time, the tortoise has run a much shorter distance, say, 10 feet. It will then take Achilles some further time to run that distance, by which time the tortoise will have advanced farther; and then more time still to reach this third point, while the tortoise moves ahead. Thus, whenever Achilles reaches somewhere the tortoise has been, he still has farther to go. Therefore, because there are an infinite number of points Achilles must reach where the tortoise has already been, he can never overtake the tortoise. Of course, simple experience tells us that Achilles will be able to overtake the tortoise, which is why this is a paradox.
[JFrater: I will point out the problem with this paradox to give you all an idea of how the others might be wrong: in physical reality it is impossible to transverse the infinite - how can you get from one point in infinity to another without crossing an infinity of points? You can't - thus it is impossible. But in mathematics it is not. This paradox shows us how mathematics may appear to prove something - but in reality, it fails. So the problem with this paradox is that it is applying mathematical rules to a non-mathematical situation. This makes it invalid.]

Morning Mistress

More Sexy Ladies:
http://ninetymilesfromtyranny.blogspot.com/2013/01/late-night-ladies-links.html

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